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How Many Vehicles You Can Own / Operate In GTA Online (As Of Nov. 2019)
Hey everyone, I've thought about this number for a while, and I did all the math, and I thought I'd share this with you all. Here is the maximum amount of vehicles (Cars, Bikes, Special Vehicles, Yacht, Pegasus Vehicles, ETC) you can currently own and/or operate in GTA Online, as of Nov. 2019 (As of The Diamond Casino & Resort Update) CARS (NORMAL) — TOTAL: 213
6 Properties (10): 78
60 Vehicles of your choosing
18 Bicycles of your choosing
3 CEO Office Garages (20): 60
60 Vehicles of your choosing
1 Facility (7): 7
7 Vehicles of your choosing
3 Night Club Garages (10): 30
30 Vehicles of your choosing
1 Night Club Service Entrance (1): 1
1 Vehicle of your choosing
3 Arena War Garage (9): 27
9 Vehicles of your choosing
1 Casino Penthouse Garage (10): 10
10 Vehicles of your choosing
BIKES — TOTAL: 10
Motorcycle Club Garage: 10
10 Motorcycles / Quad Bikes of your choosing
CARS (SPECIAL VEHICLES) — TOTAL: 24
1 Facility (5): 5
1 Mammoth Thruster Jetpack
1 Mammoth Avenger
1 HVY Chernobog
1 RCV
1 TM-02 Khanjali Tank
1 Night Club Garages (4): 4
1 Benefactor Terrorbyte
1 Vapid Speedo Custom
1 MTL Pounder Custom
1 Maibatsu Mule Custom
1 Arena War Garage (3): 4
3 MTL Cerberus (Arena) [The MTL Cerberus (Arena) can only fit in XL Space 1, 2, or 3]
1 RC Bandito
1 Special Vehicle Warehouse (8): 8
1 BF Ramp Buggy
1 Imponte Ruiner 2000
1 Nagasaki Blazer Aqua
1 MTL Wastelander
1 Coil Rocket Voltic
1 JoBuilt Phantom Wedge
1 Brute Boxville (Armored)
1 Karin Technical Aqua
1 Bunker (3): 3
1 Pegasus Mobile Operations Center (MOC) [Tractor / Truck + MOC]
1 Nagasaki Caddy
1 Vom Feuer Anti-Aircraft Trailer
AIRCRAFT — TOTAL: 20
1 Hangar (20): 20
20 Planes / Helicopters of your choosing
TRANSPORT VEHICLE STORAGE — TOTAL: 2
1 Pegasus Mobile Operations Center (MOC) (1): 1
1 Vehicle of your choosing from a select list (see GTABase)
1 Benefactor Terrorbyte (1): 1
1 Oppressor MKII
YACHT — TOTAL: 8
1 Yacht [Must Buy The Aquarius] (7 + Yacht – Not Really A Vehicle, But Operable): 7
1 Buckingham SuperVolito Carbon (Helicopter)
4 Speedophile Seasharks (Jetskis)
1 Nagasaki Dinghy (Boat)
1 Lampadati Toro (Boat)
PEGASUS VEHICLES — TOTAL: 131
From my understanding, Pegasus allows you to buy an unlimited amount of Pegasus Vehicles (I may be wrong on this), but if you were to buy 1 of each and 1 of each livery for every Pegasus Vehicle with the option, as well as having 1 of each bonus reward Pegasus Vehicle, your total would come out to 131. I'm not going to list all 131, that would be crazy, and this post is long enough.
GRAND TOTAL: 409 VEHICLES
Please feel free to comment below anything I missed or forgot, or if I didn't add correctly, or if you can't store a vehicle in any of these spaces. *If people want, I can see how much money it costs to fill every available slot (not including Pegasus Vehicles) with the most expensive vehicle allowed in the given slot. For the Aircraft Hangar, I wouldn't use duplicates, I would take the top 20 most expensive aircraft. This calculation would also include the cost of all properties customized to the maximum.* Thank you for your time, _P1ZZA_
Greetings all! Many thanks to the countless people who contributed to 10 months of fantastic discussions about one of the most iconic (and one of my favorite) film franchises of all time. This is just a little recap/debrief/wrap up article where I'd love to get everyone's thoughts on the series as a whole. Additionally, I've done some more ranking and list making because it's fun and, let's be honest, there just aren't enough lists in the world! So let's open the discussion up and air out any final thoughts on the ongoing adventures of 007 & Co. Fair warning, I will use spoiler tags throughout my article for those of you who might not yet have seen Spectre, however be mindful of the comments. Ranking the Movies First thing's first. Here are all of my reviews and their assigned objective rankings.
For a fun little experiment, I wanted to see how I ranked them in comparison to other "Rank the Bond Film" lists. My sources included Rotten Tomatoes (based on their freshness rankings), IMDb (based on their user scores), Peter Travers (Rolling Stone), Forbes, Timeout New York, E! Online, Moviefone, AMC Filmsite, BuzzFeed, an /JamesBond thread, and MRQE. Here are the results. First, I've organized them by release date and shown what their scores are on the various websites. Second, I figured out the average score for each film with the highest and lowest score for each film thrown out to eliminate outliers (my scores are not included in this calculation) as well as determine the standard deviation for each film (i.e., how consistently each film was ranked). Finally, here is a visualization of how each site ranked the films. Some observations: • No real surprises in the rankings. Casino Royale, Goldfinger, From Russia, and Skyfall all nabbed top spots. The World is Not Enough, Moonraker, and A View to a Kill took the dubious honor of bottom feeders. • Skyfall was the most consistently ranked film (averaging spot #4 on most lists). License to Kill was the most inconsistently ranked film. No surprise either. Dalton's films split opinions upon release and have aged just well enough to be considered decent but still stand out in such a way as to turn some viewers off entirely. Without it's highest (3) and lowest (22) scores, LTK still ranked as high as 8 and as low as 22. So it was either a top-10 film or the second-worst. • I still just don't get the hate for The World is Not Enough. Truth be told, this was the one film that actually inspired me to do all of this. I saw one or two lists that had it ranked so low. I had to see if there was anyone that agreed with me that it is actually a top 10 Bond film. Turns out there isn't. In fact, the closet I got was Moviefone who ranked it as #13. • I don't know what Forbes is smoking. There is no way that For Your Eyes Only is the second greatest Bond film of all time. Lunacy. Similarly, I am shocked at Peter Travers' ranking for GoldenEye at 18 -- especially considering he then put Die Another Day at 10!! • And speaking of DAD, I was legitimately surprised that it was generally considered to be a more middling film, rather than a universally hated one. • This only confirms my belief that the Bond movies are some of the most divisive films of all time. This must surely be due to a variety of factors, not least of which is that a film series that spans 50+ years and that varies so greatly in tone from film to film will allow for people to have wildly diverse opinions of each era of film. It can all depend on which films they saw first or which ones they grew up with. I mean that sounds obvious, but just look at how much deviation there is from list to list. I mean no film came even close to receiving unanimous rankings across any of these platforms -- even Skyfall varied from 1 to 6. Ranking the Songs I also decided to take a look at one of the most fun aspects of the 007 franchise: the theme songs. I will be very up front about the fact that I am not a musician, I know nothing about musical theory, etc. I am just a layman, listening to these songs a few times over and making my general observations. Oh and it's worth noting that I did not include Dr. No on this list. The opening titles begin with the standard Bond Theme song, which since it was adopted into every other film I didn't feel like that really counted, and then transitions into a rendition of Three Blind Mice, which also doesn't count.
Overly synth-y. Just another sappy love ballad. I just don't understand how this kind of songs was thought to be a spectacular start to a Bond film. Ugh.
Sounds like something you'd hear at 3am in a piano bar. Not sure what it's doing in a Bond film. Can't stand the vocals. At least this song has a decent band swell that picks it up a bit. The gentle cymbal tapping just reinforces the late night smooth jazz vibe.
Starts small, stays small, never builds. Bassey's vocals are totally wasted here. She has the ability to be fierce and biting. Here, she's lackadaisical and boring.
Starts strong with tense strings and immediately dive bombs the second Madonna's disgustingly auto-tuned vocals kick in. Terrible lyrics ("Sigmund Freud" wtf?). A pandering piece of overproduced bubblegum crap.
So disappointing. Following such a strong entry in Skyfall, the producers completely dropped the ball with Smith's "Writing." His vocals don't remotely fit with the tone of a proper Bond song. Cannot stand his breathy, whiny chorus. Ugh.
If you can't tell, I'm not a huge fan of '80s music, so the heavy presence of synths in this song are tough for me to swallow, but at least this song has some life! Especially following the era of the lousy love ballads, AVTAK was a breath of fresh air. As a song by itself, not bad. As a Bond song, not the greatest.
Another entry just dripping in '80s production. Still, it's got lots of energy. It's got some great builds and uses some awesome big band/brass elements that are reminiscent of the classic Bond songs.
Love Knight's vocals. She's got a great classic Bond feel. Love the intro. It feels sleuth-y, epic. Could definitely do without those breathy backup singers.
Great song. Terrible Bond song. McCartney is second to none, don't get me wrong. This song just isn't a great fit for the series. The reason it's not lower is that is has lots of promise until the 1:22 mark. And that damn fishing reel SFX is just so damn weird… Picks back up again, however it falters again at the 1:51 mark. The good aspects of this song are great. The bad are real bad.
I'm rather conflicted about this one. It has a great exotic feel, it's got a good crooner, and the lyrics match the globetrotting feel. I just feel that there are stronger entries that offer a bit more energy.
Hard to judge this one. Great piece of rock but again, I don't know if it really feels like a true "Bond song". At least it never devolves into a weird place like Live and Let Die. This one gets major props for incorporating the Bond theme heavily throughout and having a decent set of lyrics.
I know I'm probably going to get some hate for this one, but hear me out. Great use of electric guitar and big brass band. The lyrics are rightfully criticized for being way too literal and silly (and the chorus is very weak) but Lulu's vocals are wonderfully dry, yet full of character. I especially love the swell at 1:38.
Another entry that might get some criticism for being this high, but I truly feel that with one minor tweak, this song could have been considered one of the best. I love the piano and crunchy guitar intro. What I don't like is the duet. If this had been a Keys solo (with White handling the instrumentals), this could have been even stronger. I also really love the lyrics' discussion of paranoia and mistrust.
Another very strong entry. Shirley Manson's vocals are incredibly sultry. I positively love how striking the twanging guitar chords cut right through this hazy song.
Take note Matt Monroe, this is how to croon during a Bond song. The song kicks in with a great use of the Bond theme at 0:35. The lyrics are total nonsense, however it all comes together and sounds so excellent. Jones' killer note at the end of the song is spectacular.
This was a huge surprise for me. As I went through these songs, I never would have thought of putting TND this high, but listening to it, I can't get enough. Throws everything in from the thundering opening, to the big drums, the bell, the jangling guitar, and the piano. Crows vocals are positively electric. Her performance is every bit sultry, sexy, and scorned. Excellent!
Forget the movie, I could just listen to this song for 2 hours instead. The opening notes are mysterious, the big band is perfect (with plenty of classic Bond brass). The drop at the 1:21 mark is fantastic. And of course, Bassey's vocals are as iconic as they get.
Okay so this one isn't really a theme song in the sense that these other songs were but how could I pass on it? This is perhaps one of the single greatest musical compositions of the series outside of the Bond Theme. The buzzing guitar and deep, thumping bass are totally badass.
Almost perfect. Sexy, mysterious, lurking, with excellent vocals and brilliant lyrics. Little moments like the Bond theme slinking in at 1:40 are just perfect.
I absolutely, positively adore the chilling piano intro. Adele's vocals are exquisite. I love the slow, warbling guitar (1:00), the somber strings, the huge builds, and the use of the brassy Bond theme at 1:51. The whole thing gives me chills, especially as it starts and ends on that beautiful brass note.
Surprise, surprise. It just simply does not get better than Goldfinger. This is the quintessential Bond song, the standard to which all other songs are held. The big brass band, the strings, and the vocals are all just a bit silly, just a bit sexy, totally iconic, and catchy as all hell.
Ranking the Villains I came up with a little system for ranking the Bond villains. I determined that a good villain should have a proper plan, should be generally villainous (cruel, mad, etc.), intimidating, competent, and charismatic (or at least have a decent, definable personality). Regarding one of the series’ few recurring villains, I elected to rank Blofeld several times, one for each appearance in a different film. With that in mind, here are the Bottom 5 and Top 5 Bond villains. The full list including the scores for each category can be found here (Spectre spoilers in slot #21). Worst Bond Villains
Rank
Villain
Film
Plot
Comments
27
Gustav Graves / Col. Moon
Die Another Day
Destroy S. Korea via space laser
Written as if a 12 year old came up with a Bond villain. Terrible plan, never truly intimidating, and the whole DNA replacement and "I modeled him after you" bit is completely stupid.
26
Aristotle Kristatos
For Your Eyes Only
Retrieve the ATAC device in order to control Soviet missiles, trick 007 into assassinating Colombo
Bland, boring, forgettable.
25
Brad Whitaker
The Living Daylights
Sell opium as a means to finance his arms trading
I applaud the realism of his plot, however the character is just so damned annoying. Baker plays the American General as a complete buffoon. And the whole wargame angle is weird.
24
General Orlov
Octopussy
Destroy NATO relations by detonating a bomb in a foreign Air Force base
Another fairly forgettable character. Berkoff portrays the General as an almost Dr. Strangelove-esque wacko.
23
Ernst Stavro Blofeld
Diamonds Are Forever
Destroy nations' nuclear missiles with a space laser if they refuse to give in to his ransom demands
The weakest of all of Blofeld’s various plots. Mostly, this iteration is ranked so low on account of Charles Grey’s portrayal. He’s insufferable, lacks any real intimidation, and the whole army of clones and voice changing devices are all just too campy for my taste.
Best Bond Villains
Rank
Villain
Film
Plot
Comments
5
Ernst Stavro Blofeld
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
Brainwash women (Angels of Death) and use them as pawns in bacterialogical warfare
Okay so the plan is a little bizarre and Savalas’ portrayal might not be as iconic as the one in YOLT, however this is Blofeld at his peak. He is menacing, sinister, and intimidating. The whole lineage angle is unique and gives a little bit of humanity to what has been an otherwise flat character.
4
Alex Trevelyan (Agent 006)
GoldenEye
Exact revenge on England by robbing the national bank just before destroying digital records (via electromagnetic pulse from satellite)
Sean Bean performs beautifully as the MI6-agent-gone-rogue. His revenge mission plot is a wonderful balance of maniacal, villainous, and realistic.
3
Auric Goldfinger
Goldfinger
Devalue US gold stock by detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox gold reserve
Bond himself remarks how brilliant Goldfinger’s plan is upon hearing it. I’m going to refrain from making any “gold standard” jokes, but Goldfinger is seriously one of the best. Cunning, proud, coy, greedy, and downright evil.
2
Le Chiffre
Casino Royale
Make money by shorting airline stocks through planned terrorist attacks
Le Chiffre is one of the most fascinating villains in that he is a man driven by desperation and fear more than a god complex or a desire to destroy humanity.
1
Francisco Scaramanga
The Man with the Golden Gun
Steal solex agitator, assassinate 007
Christopher Lee’s Scaramanga is the perfect blend of flamboyant charisma, fierce intellect, and pure skill. The dinner scene between Scaramanga and Bond remains one of my all time favorites.
Honorable mentions go to Skyfall’s freakishly relentless Raoul Silva, Spy Who Loved Me’s megalomaniac Karl Stromberg, World is Not Enough’s coldly calculating Elektra King, Dr. No’s Dr. No for setting the template, and Moonraker’s surprisingly enjoyable Hugo Drax. Ranking the Bond Girls I came up with a similar method of ranking one of the other pillars of any good 007 film: the Bond Girls. For this category, I rated each Bond Girl by their intellect (general intelligence), competence (how skillful they were at their profession or tasks), initiative (do they just sit around and wait for Bond to tell them what to do or not), utility (do they have a direct impact on the story or are they just sort of there for show), and (yes I am aware of the hypocrisy here) beauty. This was a somewhat difficult list to assess, as the concept of a Bond Girl is rather loose. For example, in Skyfall, Bond seduces Severine, however she is in the film for such a brief period of time and her impact on the story is so minimal, that it didn’t even seem right to try and rank her based on these categories. Then of course there are any number of throwaway characters that Bond simply sleeps with or converses with briefly that are occasionally viewed as “Bond Girls”. Think of the iconic gilded Jill Masterson from Goldfinger. You might be aghast that she isn’t on the list, but she is such a small portion of that film (especially compared to her sister, Tilly), that it didn’t even seem worth it to place her on here, despite her image being plastered on every piece of promotional material for Goldfinger. So this is my best attempt at determining who is a Bond Girl and how they rank. The full list including category rankings can be found here. Worst Bond Girls
Rank
Girl
Film
Comments
33
Rosie Carver
Live and Let Die
Perhaps the most miserable character in the series. I couldn’t help but give her the only 0 of this entire exercise for Competence. She whines and cries to a man she just met because she isn't a good CIA agent. She’s not useful, not talented, and utterly annoying. And the one time she finally acts proactively, she is condescendingly mocked for misreading Quarrel Jr.’s allegiance.
32
Mary Goodnight
The Man with the Golden Gun
Vapid, irritating, pathetic, almost entirely useless. She’s easily captured and even chastised for her one contribution: killing a guard. And of course there’s the infamous scene in which any dignity she might’ve had evaporates as she’s shoved in a closet while Bond and Andrea Anders have sex.
31
Tiffany Case
Diamonds Are Forever
Another worthless character who adds little to the plot. She is given a rare instance of initiative at the end of the film and it turns out that in doing so, she completely screws up Bond’s plan. Oh also, her dialogue is completely insufferable.
30
“Dr.” Christmas Jones
The World is Not Enough
Another character written to be skilled and intelligent, but portrayed by a woman who cannot convincingly pull off either. Her role in the film becomes little more than a tagalong with weak excuses being provided for why she’s still around. She also turns into the second instance of Bond’s magical ability to turn lesbians straight.
29
Stacey Sutton
A View to a Kill
Same deal as Jones, the character is written to be intelligent, but the actress doesn't sell it one bit. She tends to fail at everything she attempts, and Bond completely disregards her and forces her to become a damsel in distress throughout their time together. She becomes a complete tagalong after a while.
Best Bond Girls
Rank
Girl
Film
Comments
5
Elektra King
The World is Not Enough
Cunning, fierce, intelligent (though blinded by rage), she is absolutely integral to the plot, her actions are her own and she even acts as the puppetmaster for a wide range of people.
4
Camille Montes
Quantum of Solace
Not necessarily particularly intelligent per se, but highly skilled and motivated by her well formed backstory. QoS actually provides a rare instance of Bond screwing up her plans, though she bounds back quickly. Extra points for killing one of the film’s villains.
3
Pussy Galore
Goldfinger
The biggest downfall for Galore is her lack of integrity during the scene in which Bond apparently rapes her straight. Aside from that terrible scene, she is a fantastic character. She gets the drop on Bond multiple times, verbally spars with the best of them, and orchestrates a hugely important aspect of the film’s ending.
2
Teresa di Vicenzo
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
It pains me not to be able to give her a perfect score, however she does have her downfalls. She really ultimately is just sort of going along with her father’s plans and when she’s captured, she reverts into a fairly standard damsel in distress. Aside from that though, her beauty and intelligence are almost without parallel.
1
Vesper Lynd
Casino Royale
The only character in this whole exercise to receive a perfect score. The single most well-rounded character of the entire series. Highly intelligent, witty, sharp, sly, plays her own game, acts of her own accord with her own motivations, integral to the plot — oh and stunningly gorgeous.
Honorable mentions go to Spy Who Loves Me’s crafty and skilled Anya Amasova, Die Another Day’s coldly independent Miranda Frost, You Only Twice’s Aki who saves Bond’s butt on more than one occasion, Tomorrow Never Die’s devil may care Wai Lin, and License to Kill’s rough and rowdy Pam Bouvier. Ranking the Bonds And of course there’s the ranking of the Bond actors. Everyone has an opinion that varies greatly from the last. Heck, I’ve already changes my mind three times as I’ve sat here writing this. Each actor is so wildly different and they all come from such unique times that it’s almost impossible to try and fairly compare them. And then of course there’s the struggle of trying to give each actor a fair shake when their films have varied so greatly in quality and number. But I will try to do my best.
Rank
Actor
Films
Years Active
Comments
6
Roger Moore
7
1973 - 1985
Easily the worst in my opinion. I never bought him as an assassin. I never bought him as a seductive gentleman. His humor was mostly lost on me. When they tried to get him to be rough and tumble in TMWTGG when he’s interrogating Anders, he just seems abusive. He also had the worst string of films to deal with and was kept on as Bond for far too long. Too few upsides.
5
George Lazenby
1
1969
This ranking is really misleading, as I actually LOVED Lazenby as Bond. I felt that he completely captured the crass attitude and unbridled swagger. I would frankly consider putting him as high as #3, however Lazenby’s biggest downfall is his lack of clout. He just wasn’t Bond long enough to get a decent gauge of how he really fit into Bond’s shoes.
4
Sean Connery
6
1962 - 1967, 1971
Blasphemy! Just because he was first doesn’t mean he was the best. He laid the groundwork and managed the suave nature and action better than some, however his characters never really felt like they had any depth to them. Mostly he is severely handicapped by his lackluster performances in YOLT and DAF.
3
Timothy Dalton
2
1987 - 1989
Ah Dalton, the Bond we needed but didn’t deserve. Dalton’s career was similarly too short. I considered giving him the #4 spot under Connery for this purpose alone, but I really feel like he did enough in his two films to establish what kind of Bond he was and would have continued to be. The dark, brooding exterior occasionally gave in to flashes of real charm and even caring. The humor could have used some work, but the action and especially the suave, high-class nature fit him perfectly.
2
Daniel Craig
4
2006 - present
Craig’s performance in Casino alone would have been enough to push him into first place, however he’s had kind of a bizarre run of films since then. The stories have set him up to just be continually cantankerous and sullen. I have him in the #2 spot temporarily, depending on how the rest of his run as Bond goes. If he is able to do more films and is able to continue to regain his wit from Casino and to continue his arc from brutish thug to refined gentleman assassin, I feel the #2 or even #1 spot could be his.
1
Pierce Brosnan
4
1995 - 2002
It was equally difficult to call Brosnan the unequivocal best. His run is sadly marred by a series of mediocre and downright bad films. That said, his performance in GoldenEye is probably one of the best in the series. Brosnan is able to pull off every aspect of what makes Bond Bond with ease. He nails the humor, he looks like he belongs in a tux, and he appears entirely at ease when in the midst of a tense shootout or car chase. He even totally sells a few small moments throughout the series that required him to appear frightened, surprised, and vulnerable.
Naturally there is so much more I could discuss (favorite gadgets, favorite moments, favorite henchmen), but I suppose I should save something for the lead up to Bond 25, eh? A sincere thanks once more to everyone who joined me for the discussions over the past several months. Cheers!
Landslide victory for Buffalo here, 8-1 votes. Many voters felt like Lucil, while having the early advantage, didn’t utilize her skills as well as her opponent, and as the deliberations below show all but one of the chosen judges were inclined to agree.
This match was an absolute stomp compared to the first one, though admittedly its voter turnout was also quite a bit lower. Both teams were given JoJolities that encouraged a creative usage of their stands, and none of the judges were impressed, even if the quality portion was much more generous. As of typing this, it’s not too late to turn the tide in the ice-cold combat between two men, a cat, a detective, and a beachcomber, voting for which ends 11:59CST on the eleventh. Scenario The oddly-proportioned Blue Monday was on a mission, having received word from the Speedwagon Foundation earlier that day about a possible informant. “He said he wanted to make sure he had the right guys,” Explained a faceless, unamused voice on the other end of Blue’s radio. “couldn’t trust justanyonewith this intel. Sounds like a load to me, but orders from on-high want someone with the right skillset in to check it out.” “I could’ve done without being told I was wasting my time.” The Supernatural Policeman groaned to himself, squinting harder than usual as the sand whipped around him the further he went into the vast desert.He had been told earlier to keep his communications open in case the contact tried anything funny, but unbeknownst to his superiors, this was a poor decision. Blocks away, squatting by an alley, clutching a bottle of booze with a cigarette pursed between his lips, another man’s eyes were burning a vibrant blue. This was how 「Crowbar」 Jackson typically spent his ‘reconnaissance’, which was more just an excuse to get some alone time from the gaggle of oddities that was The Good Vibrations. Listening to pointless drama, telemarketers being hung-up on, and sportscasters in a language he didn’t understand. A giggling woman’s voice began to fade in, saying something along the lines of “... ust make sure my husband doesn’t-” fizzle in and out. With that poor bastard’s misfortune, ‘Crowbar’ had decided he’d spent enough time in this small Egyptian town’s seedier district, before a particularly distant single caught his eye. “It could be important, Monday. He might have something to say about these… ‘Artifacts?’ That’s what you’ve been calling them, right?” Needless to say, the Stand User’s interest was piqued with this revelation. It didn’t take ‘Crowbar’ long to track down where exactly this Monday guy was from piggybacking off of the countless radio signals in the area, which only grew more numerous the further he looked into it. Left outside of an ancient-looking clay hut in the middle of a sandstorm, Blue Monday was exchanging less-than-pleasant words with his superior about the nature of his assignment, when his grumbling was brought to a halt by another man approaching from behind him. “Who in the... ” He said, turning behind him to see a heavy, but well-built man with piercing blue eyes towering over him. 「S.A.M.」 was clinging tightly to his User’s back in order to avoid detection for the moment, babbling out incomprehensible electrical noise to its user. “Ah, shit,” was his reply. “I thought you would’a been inside by now.” Nonchalantly crossing his arms and continuing to stare down at the man, he remained unflinching even as Blue subtly placed his hand by the side of his pistol. “So, it was an ambush, of course. Let’s just get this o-” His threat was cut short, however, but an fanciful, older man with a cane and top hat appearing from the entrance to the shabby building behind them. “Greetings, Mr. Monday!” He said with a smile and a bow, reaching out a gloved hand to his guest. “My apologies for the wait… I see you’ve brought a friend?” The building’s proprietor was nothing if not polite, but something about his smile gave off a cold, impersonal feeling. “I don’t know hi-” “I ain’t here for-” Before either Stand User could complete their protest, the mysterious man continued to rattle off pleasantries before inviting them inside. “Nonsense, gentlemen. Come inside, it’s absolutely dreadful out here!” “How fortuitous that you brought him along, I must say! I was worried I might have made things too easy for you, otherwise…” He chuckled as he lead them down the stairs of the small shack. As the trio went further down, bright lights and slurred words assaulted their senses, the man turned on his heels as they reached the bottom, a row of lights appearing behind him and leading toward a door marked ‘EMPLOYEES ONLY’. “Welcome to The House of the Rising Sun, my pride and joy!” He gestured with his diamond-studded walking stick, toward the neon-flooded facility filled with scammers, suckers, and deplorables of all kinds. “I’ve set up a little game for you two, but I’m nothing if not a man of my word! I guarantee that one of you will walk away from this building with what you’ve come looking for!” Blue Monday audibly groaned at the word ‘game’, whereas ‘Crowbar’ has been somewhat somber since the moment he stepped foot inside this establishment. Of course it had to be a Casino. “I have information, it’s true! The world is quickly becoming a rather fearful place, is it not?” He asked with clear mock-sadness in his voice. “Such a tragedy that we must fight tooth and nail for the slightest scraps of direction! Wouldn’t it be better if we could play a gentleman’s game instead?” In an instant, two very large, nearly-identical men in black suits appeared behind each of the man’s guests, slamming five-hundred dollars into each of their hands. “I’ll give the each of you, oh, I don’t know… three hours?” He said, clearly playing the showman as he thoughtfully tapped his chin. “Three hours to make as much money as possible in this wonderful establishment of mine! We have all sorts of games and devices for you to play, though I must warn you not to cause too much of a fuss…” The man’s face suddenly took a dour turn, his cold eyes piercing even ‘Crowbar’s own. “I am running a business here, and「all that entails.」” His expression softened not an instant sooner, however, and his toothy grin returned. “I’ll be seeing you gentlemen shortly, good luck to the both of you!” As he followed the lights on the floor to the ‘EMPLOYEES ONLY’ section accompanied by the burly men from earlier, both Users could hear him speaking under his breath, repeating the phrase ‘good luck’ in an amused murmur as a loud SLAM rang out from behind the competitors, and the stairway was replaced with a wall indistinguishable from the rest. Location: A mysterious casino in the middle of the Egyptian desert… The outside of the building looks likes an abandoned clay shack, but there is a stairway in the building to an opulent underground casino floor. The casino would not seem out of place in Vegas, with various food shops on the perimeter and a huge amount of slot machines, card tables, digital poker, and roulette tables. There are several guards patrolling the area, along with operators at all the tables. There are also security cameras littered all over the place, with practically zero blind spots. The area is very well populated with gamblers, with people all over the floor. Objective: Each player has $500 dollars, and three hours to do as they will in the casino. End the three hours with as much money as you possibly can! The options for gambling are Roulette Tables, 5 Card Draw and Texas Hold ‘Em (Both physical tables and Video Poker machines), and slot machines. Slot machines and Video Poker are rigged to give back about 50% of what they put in. For making money, this is bad news, though the Roulette tables are fair. There are also two versions of each Poker table: Low Stakes ($10 Minimum bet, $100 Maximum bet) and High Stakes ($100 Minimum bet, $1000 Maximum bet). Low Stakes tables are fair, but High Stakes tables use rigged decks that guarantee good hands for the house. All Video Poker Machines are High Stakes. A single game of physical Poker will take about an hour, Video Poker will take ~45 minutes, playing the roulette will take about 15 minutes, and slots can be played extremely rapidly. There is some good news, though: you are a Stand user! There are no other Stand users in the area besides your opponent, so all cheating is fair game! Be careful though; if you start breaking open slot machines for tokens or starting fights for people’s winnings, you’ll get thrown out in a second. If you go on a massive winning streak, you will also be ‘asked to leave’. But if you can be subtle about it... Additional Information: You’ve both received a small note written in a fanciful font without noticing. Slyly reverse-pickpocketed, it contains a brief overview of the gist of the Enemy’s ability. ‘Small all-purpose agent’ and ‘Radio signal-hopping’ are the two descriptors your mysterious benefactor has given you.
"You rigged something, didn't you, Jotaro!?” That lil’ punctuation-faced spy isn’t so sly! Predict and reveal your opponent’s cheating strategy!
Spectators are always welcome to privately message one of the judges and request an invitation to the tourney’s official discord server to discuss a wide variety of things, as well as be among the first to know about any tourney developments. To cut back on the size of our posts, we introduced a sheet we can easily link to and edit, instead of having to copy-paste, and edit the table from the previous match each time. The match table will continue to exist on reddit posts. The Table is here.
[USA][H] Personal Collection (NES,SNES,N64,Ps1,Ps2,Ps3,genesis,dreamcast)[W]PayPal!!!
note: sorry if it turns out something isn't available any longer. I sometimes forget to mark off things that have been sold previously, resulting in let-downs. I am VERY sorry if this happens to anybody! Hey there /GameSwap! I am in need of some money currently, and am VERY LIKELY to make a deal. I am ONLY looking for PayPal. I am also less-likely to make deals concerning my Sega Saturn and Sega Dreamcast games, as they are what I enjoy owning the most. NOT LISTED BELOW, I HAVE SOME BOXED NINTENDO GAMES, along with a few other snes games also not listed IF you want to see these, offer me A FAIR AMOUNT for these via PayPal. The least likely to be sold for any less than retail is Super Metroid (because i like the game, even if it isn't in mint condition. it's in near-mint) and Soul Blazer (as it is MINT!). A guide book is also available with Super Metroid (no it doesn't come with it for free.) CLICK HERE TO SEE THEM Other than that, here is everything else available for trade. As I need the money, i may or may not ask for you to pay for shipping, depending on how much you order and how big the items are. For sale/trade: CONTROLLERS
Misc controllers for every system listed are available. Most of which are name-brand to the system, not off-brand.
no gamceube or snes controllers available. sorry.
CONSOLES:
Gameboy Advanced (BLACK with battery cover) - loose w/cables - working - $20
ps1 fat first model - loose w/no cables - untested, comes with free marble stuck in it! - $5
Gameboy SP (AGS-101) - loose w/car charger - tested and works - slight cosmetic scratches on top - $40
NES toaster - loose w/ cables - Tested and works could use a small pin cleaning - GOOD CONDITION - $40
NES toaster - loose w/ no cables - tested and works - COSMETICALLY VERY BEAT UP; CHIPPED DUST COVER BUT WORKS! could use a pin cleaning - $15
PSP - loose w/wall charger and car charger - missing analog stick - working - $30
Retro (third party) NES toploader - complete in box with retro (3rd party for the console) controllers - works great - $20
Looking to get some cash because I need to pay rent and the new smash bros is coming out, so I NEED TO GET MONEY FOR IT! Note: Preffer to only ship to the US, as it can get VERY pricey to ship outside of the US (depending on where) Heres my list. I'm willing to make deals currently. note: shipping is usually around $3-$15 depending on how much your getting. 1 or 2 items probably $3-5, a large lot of items can range up to $15 for the bigger boxes, obviously. PERSONAL BUNDLE DEALS AVAILABLE All my ps2 games! http://i.imgur.com/O4oaK06.jpg Proper list of all games here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/oak24j8wrh64o3d/chart.txt?dl=0 $325 + shipping and they're all yours. (shipping = $15. Will try to fit them all into a large flat-rate box, but if I can't i'll eat the difference." Sega Saturn lot: http://i.imgur.com/074vU8i.jpg $110 + shipping and they're all yours (Shipping = $15, large flat rate box) For sale/trade: CONTROLLERS
Misc controllers for every system listed are available. Most of which are name-brand to the system, not off-brand.
no Gamecube or SNES controllers available, sorry.
CONSOLES:
Gameboy Advanced (BLACK with battery cover) - loose w/cables - working - $20
ps1 fat first model - loose w/no cables - untested, comes with free marble stuck in it! - $5
Gameboy SP (AGS-101) - loose w/car charger - tested and works - slight cosmetic scratches on top - $40
NES toaster - loose w/ cables - Tested and works could use a small pin cleaning - GOOD CONDITION - $40
NES toaster - loose w/ no cables - tested and works - COSMETICALLY VERY BEAT UP; CHIPPED DUST COVER BUT WORKS! could use a pin cleaning - $15
PSP - loose w/wall charger and car charger - missing analog stick and battery cover. Game tray is slightly crooked but has no problems closing and playing whatever is in it. (VERY slightly crooked) - working - $25
Retro (third party) NES toploader - complete in box with retro (3rd party for the console) controllers - works great - $20
Metal Gear Solid 3 Snake Eater - Game, case, and manual (complete) $4
Ratchet & Clank (greatest Hits) - Game and case (no manual) $4
Monster Hunter - Game, case, and manual (complete) $20
TimeSplitters - Game, case, and manual (complete) $7
Ratchet & Clank Up Your Arsenal - Game and Case (no manual) $4
Ratchet & Clank Up Your Arsenal - Game, case and manual (complete) (second copy) $6
Sakura Wars So Long, My Love - Game and both game discs (no manual) $30
Eternal Poison - Game, Sound track, manual, and case (complete) $30
Megaman X Collection - Game, Case and manual (complete) $14
Final Fantasy XII (Greatest Hits) - Game, case and manual (complete) $7
Stitch Experiment 626 - Game (could use a cleaning), case and manual (complete) $3
Lord of the Rings The Return of the King - Game and case (no manual) $4
Duel Masters Limited Edition - Game and case (no manual or booster pack) $4
Jak 3 - Game, case and manual (complete) $7
Jak II - Game, case and manual (complete) $5
Jak and Daxter The Precursor Legacy - game, case and manual (complete) $5
Jak and Daxter The Precursor Legacy - loose game (in with the other copy) $3
Carmen Sandiego The Secret of the Stolen Drums - Game, case, and manual (complete) $5
Dragon Ball Z Budokai 2 - Game and case (no manual) $5
Katamari Damacy - Game (generic black case) $10
Nascar Thunder 2003 - Game and case (no manual) $2
Nascar 2001 - Game and Case (no manual) $2
Kingdom Hearts (case only) $1
True Crime Streets of LA - Game and case (no manual) $4
Ninja Assault - Game, case and manual (complete) $5
Spy Hunter - Game, case and manual (complete) $2
Area-51 - Game, case and manual (complete) $10
Resident Evil 4 (greatest Hits) - Game, case and manual (complete) $6
Capcom Classics Collection - Game, case and manual (Complete) $13
Sly 3 Honor Among Thieves - Game, case and manual (complete) $10
Sly 2 Band of Thieves - Game, case and manual (complete) $8
Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus - Game, case and manual (complete) $7
Ratchet Deadlocked - Case and manual (no game) $1
Jak 3 - Case and manual (no game) $1
PS3:
Red Dead Redemption - Ps3 - CIB - $10
Last Rebellion - Ps3 - CIB - $15
Infamous - Ps3 - CIB - $8
Marvel vs capcom 3 ultimate - Ps3 - CIB - $25
Uncharted 1 - Ps3 - disc and floppy case - $4
PSP:
Nba live 07 - PSP - loose - $2
Final Fantasy Crisis Core - PSP - CIB - $15
Star Wars Battlefront II - PSP - Loose - $5
SNES:
Killer Instinct Gold - SNES - loose - $20
Battletoads in Battlemaniacs - SNES - loose - $30
Legend of Zelda: A link to the past - SNES - loose - $22
Batman Returns - SNES - loose - $10
F Zero - SNES - loose - label damage - $6
Super Mario World - SNES - loose - $10
Final Fantasy Mystic Quest - SNES - loose - $10
Street Fighter II Turbo - SNES - loose - $10
Star Fox - SNES - loose - $10
Super Mario All Stars + Super Mario World - SNES - Loose - $30
XBOX 360:
Banjo nuts n bolts + viva pinata - xbox 360 - SEALED - $15
gears of war 2 - xbox 360 - CIB - $3
Mass Effect 2 - xbox 360 - CIB - $4
Lost Oddysey - Xbox 360 - all discs, case, no manual - $16
WANTS: * = moderately wanted ** = REALLY wanted *** = must have **** = most wanted/priority item
Ragnarok Odyssey Ace **
Nintendo 3DS LL (japanese version, LL NOT XL) **
Monster Hunter 4 (3DS game) **
J stars victory vs (ps3) ***
JoJo's bizarre Adventure (Ps3) ***
Legend of Zelda Games ****
Boxed/CIB NES/SNES/N64 games ****
Always open to PayPal
Willing to look at games for the following systems for trades:
PS VITA
SEGA DREAMCAST
NINTENDO GAMECUBE
Sidenote: Sorry in advanced if you ask for something and I don't have it available anymore. I sometimes miss a game or 2 to remove from my list when I sell/trade something. SORRY!!!!
Had it been 1990 and not 2026 communicating with my dick would have involved long distance charges. But that was just nostalgia and the shrooms talking. After fifteen years without a shave and a meal under a thousand greasy calories I had at long last come out of my 99th nervous breakdown four months ago. Brown rice and organic sauerkraut with a teaspoon of miso was all I had been eating for the past 120 days and I was chewing each mouthful a hundred times. The pounds were melting as fast the remaining ten miles of polar ice caps. I was hoping to see my cock without the aid of a mirror before Brooklyn was six feet under sea level. I had read on google that hanging yourself often resulted in the complete evacuation of one's bowels so I figured it was only polite not to submit some poor EMT to a noseful of three day old Micky-D's shit. Either way I was tripping my balls off. I hadn't dosed since 1992 and my doors of perception had just been blown off their rusty hinges. "Trippin...." "Who said that?" "The man in the mirror..." "I was born at night but not last night." "Stop talking to yourself Krafty." "I would if you'd shut the fuck up old man." "Cops are coming." "Why? We're not getting evicted till next week and I'll hang myself first." "Better go look in the mirror laughing boy..." I sighed. It was inevitable. I was 59. That was fucking enough failure for me. And with Donald Trump having been CEO of USA Inc. since 2016 I did not relish the thought of a corporate debtor's prison. When I said billionaire or bust back in 2007 I wasn't fucking kidding. And in the last 19 years I had managed to lose fourteen million dollars of my own and my best friend's money. My backup plan's backup had always been Chapter 7 but thanks to The Donald that was no longer a possibility. And with the country two years into The Greater Recession getting that final round of financing had proven impossible. My patents would be expiring by the end of the decade and I was getting too old to re-enter the workforce. So..., to the Bat-Mirror. I approached with my senior blues wide shut. Tentatively I cupped an eye and took a sneak peek between two fingers. "Motherfucker!" "I need you bro." "Corky?" "Come to Atlantic City. Tomorrow night. The New Trump Casino. The Green Room. Midnight. Bring fourteen thousand dollars. Casheesh." "What the fuck?!?!?!" "I need you bro." I removed my hands and manned up. But it was too late. Corky was gone. Corky had been my best friend from nine to eighteen. And then the day we were supposed to graduate high school in 1985 he never showed up. Just disappeared into the ether. No note. No nothing. And Corky's Dad Donald was found modeling that year's Colombian necktie in the bedroom mirror. It was a clusterfuck of epic proportions. The culmination of a misspent youth that I surely would not have survived if Corky had not saved my ass that sunny day in 1976 when Scott Jackson hit me in the head with a rock in Prospect Park and was going to finish the job with an even bigger rock. Corky was a big kid. He was 5'10" in the fifth grade and he dressed like a Hell's Angel. He was cutting school that day and sauntered right up to Scott who was sitting on my chest and holding a big rock over his head looking like he was going to end me. "Whatchoo gonna do with that rock? Voodoo?" "Beat it white boy before I kick yo' ass too." Corky bent down and lifted the rock over his head with Scott still attached. "You been reading Lord of the Flies homes?" "Fuck you white boy! Put me down 'fore you catch a beat down." Corky accomodated Scott. He hurled the rock back to terra firma with Scott still attached to it bouncing it off his head. It made a sickening crack that sounded like the Channel Eleven Yule Log. "Sorry Piggy." Then apparently dissatisfied with his work he tried tried again until Scott Jackson was one with the Prospect Park lawn. Me and my then best friend Aaron Farbman just watched in shock. When it was over Aaron farted and then vomited. Corky wiped some blood specks off his face with the back of his hand and offered me a cigarette. I figured it was a good time to become a Marlboro Man. As fate would have it it turned out that Corky not only saved me from a stoning he was also a neighbor. His father Donald had taken the apartment Aaron used to live in just one floor below me. Aaron's mom had married up and they had moved into a brownstone while I lingered behind with my psychotic mother on welfare and food stamps. Such was life. Corky's dad was the angriest deadhead I'd ever met but he let Corky do whatever he wanted and what Corky wanted was never ending reefer fueled mischief. After Corky moved in it wasn't long before I stopped getting my ass kicked every day by all the usual suspects. He sort of adopted me as his brother and considering his apartment had color television and a fridge full of food and mine only had my psychotic mother who was I to argue with fate? By the time I was thirteen we were smoking an ounce a week, tripping on shrooms and acid and fucking high school chicks. Corky was tall enough for the NBA by the eighth grade although he had long since stopped showing up for school. "Don't need a diploma where I'm going...," he'd always say. I never pressed him on it. There was something severely off in his entire family but since my family was more twisted than a Jew For Jesus I just let it go. Meanwhile back in the mirror my face was alternately aging from 59 to 80 and back to 17 and then back through my 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s leaving me with temporal whiplash. "It's all relative and your relatives are psychotic," I heard my voice say. Last week I had found my father fingerpainting his bedroom walls with his own shit. "Who's that supposed to be? Nixon?" "It's all bullshit Izzy." Turns out my father had Alzheimer's and Renal failure and without insurance or any money it looked like he'd be dead sooner rather than later. My younger half-brother had committed suicide last year at the age of 43 and at the funeral I had seen my ex-stepmother BettyJo Lemongello for the first time in 25 years. "It's all your fault Izzy." "Nice to see you again, BettyJo." "You don't like me very much. Do you?" "That's not true. I just feel better when you're not around." I cracked my neck and checked my bank account. I had a little over fourteen thousand dollars left and then I was destitute. I hadn't paid alimony to either of my ex-wives in six months and I figured I'd send them an email to pick up their back pay right before I offed myself. Sometimes you gotta stick it to the woman. "Atlantic City huh? Saturday nite? Fuck it!" I owed Corky. After all we were blood brothers. I'll never remember that night when we were thirteen. We were hanging out in the speakeasy in our apartment building's basement listening to Dogs by Pink Floyd. We cut our fingers mixing blood and then signed our names in crimson on a legal contract I had hastily drawn up before the acid kicked in stipulating that we were now blood brothers for life, come hell or high water, etc. etc. We had then hidden the document in the speakeasy's ceiling somewhere that I can no longer recollect. The speakeasy was our secret clubhouse and for the longest time nobody else knew about it. At least not until we became sexually active at which point many a Brooklyn cushette had been blindfolded and sworn to secrecy never to divulge the whereabout or wheretofores of our anti-prohibition getaway. You had to walk down a long dark chilly hall to get to it. We had discovered it one day when we were 14. We had been tripping and exploring the building's nether regions when Corky had said something rude about my crush Shawna McGee and I had pushed him into the wall. And then Corky was gone. Vanished into thin air. It would have freaked me out even if I wasn't tripping. I screamed his name. "Holy fuck dude!" "Corky?!?!?" "You gotta check this shit out!!!!" "Where are you?!?!?!" And then just like that Corky was back. "It's a fucking hidden door!" We had gone back to his apartment to get his father's flashlight. It was an old hidden room that bootleggers had used to stash The Real McCoy. We were like pigs in shit. We found old fedoras, a Victor Victrola, an old radio, a few revolvers and an old lamp that was shaped like a showgirl's gams. And that was how we found our secret clubhouse. We had marked the opposite wall with glow in the dark paint in a Yin/Yang symbol and I had spent many a week living there when my psycho mom would throw me out and my dad and BettyJo wanted nothing to do with me. I had lost my virginity in there. We had decorated it like a hippie den and it was everything a secret speakeasy for teenagers in the early 80s should have been. But the day Corky disappeared and Donald was found dead it disappeared. I tried to find it, really I did. I was sure I'd find Corky in there hiding out with his father's blood on his hands muttering some Oedipal shit but that speakeasy just vanished from this dimension. Suffice to say I left for college and never came back. I had always hoped Corky would surface somehow somewhere but he never did. Not even a postcard. Eventually I thought about him less and less but I never forgot him. When Google became a thing I tried to find him but it was as if he had never existed. It was almost like I dreamed the whole thing. I say almost because while I may have been a failure in marriage and business I was not prone to delusions. Well maybe of grandeur but not the hallucinatory kind that get you committed. Maybe life would have been easier had I just gone bugfuck looney tunes but that just wasn't my style. ... I had stopped tripping with the sunrise and had managed to get a solid seven hours sleep. I stumbled out of the bed too take a piss and that's when it hit me. For the first time in 16 years I could see my dick. Something was definitely up. Or somethings I should say. "Did I hallucinate that shit?" I wondered aloud. Later that night I put on a twenty year old pair of Levis that fit like it was 2006. I went to the ATM and withdrew $14,000.00. My bank account now contained the princely sum of thirty-three dollars and thirty-three cents. I grabbed a driverless Uber and headed to Atlantic City. Atlantic City hadn't changed much since I'd been there last in 1991. Same old chain smoking blue haired mustachioed ladies betting their social security checks on the slots. Cept now they were vaping. It took a while but I finally found the Green Room at 11:59 pm. I was thinking I probably imagined the whole fucking thing when two giant hamhocks grabbed my shoulders. "Whatup Izzy?!?!!?!?!?!?" I was lifted three feet in the air and I was face to face with all seven feet of Corky Clay. "It was you you motherfucker." Corky got me in a bear hug and I said, "Can't breathe." I was eased down ever so gently to terra firma and Corky said, "Did you bring the money?" "It's my last fourteen grand dude." "Yeah, but you were gonna kill yourself anyway so what's the big diff?" "How'd you know that?" "Nevermind. We gotta hit the roulette wheel." As I double-timed it to keep up with Corky's big strides I said, "What the fuck happened to you dude?" "Whaddya mean?" "I mean after graduation you disappeared and Donald was decapitated." "Fuck that prick. He wasn't even my real dad." "Is that why you always called him, 'Donald?'" "No. I called him Donald cause he looked like a fucking duck." "He did, didn't he?" We got to the roulette wheel and Corky put out his giant hand. "Dude. After this I am officially destitute. I won't even be able to afford to get home to off myself." "I need you bro." I hesitated. "Have I ever fucked you over dude?" I dug in my sports jacket and fished out my net worth and placed it in his hand. Corky turned it into chips and then bet it all on 33 black. The croupier closed the wheel for betting and we watched it spin. I felt big beads of sweat break out on my forehead. I realized I hadn't been laid in a decade and I had been planning to find a whore for my last night on Planet Earth. I sighed thinking the best laid plans... "33 black wins!" I felt my jaw come unhinged. I shook my head. People applauded. An hour later we were in the penthouse suite snorting lines of coke off asian hooker titties. "I think I'm still tripping..." Corky reached in his MC jacket and tossed a bag of shrooms on the glass coffee table. "No, but you will be." "Dude. I don't understand any of this." "You're my brother. And you were there in my time of need. What's there to understand?" "But how? And where the fuck did you disappear to? You know the speakeasy disappeared too..." "Mmmm. Yes and no." "Care to elaborate Captain Opaque?" "I been living in the Great Depression for the past forty years." "Yeah right." "Fine. Don't believe me." "Doing what?" "Yeah, doing what?" one of the hookers asked. "Pimping whores for Capone." "We eating these shrooms big guy?" "Do asian hookers love blow?" The next afternoon they tried to lure us back to the tables but Corky said, "Your Dad is gonna die without a kidney transplant." "You know about that too?" "Come on. We gotta bring this casheesh to the hospital." A few hours later we were in one of the last yellow cabs sporting an actual flesh and blood driver cruising down Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn. "This is yours if you blow every red light to Coney Island Hospital," Corky said waving ten Benjis in front of the driver's face. The driver snatched the carrot and put the pedal to the metal. "You better buckle up bro," Corky said buckling his safety belt. I followed suit and ten seconds later our driver hit an Uber car head on. The sound of crunching metal and shattered glass was punctuated with the decapitated head of BettyJo Lemongello landing in my lap. "BettyJo?!?!?!" Corky got on his smart phone and said, "Throw that shit out the window." ... "The transplant was successful, Mr. Schreiber. Your father is going to pull through." "Thank you Doctor." I looked at Corky. He half-smiled. "What?" "We got a couple of stops left." "Huh? Where?" "Just follow me." Two hours later with a hundred grand in uncut diamonds we were standing in front of our old apartment building on Union Street. "Look familiar?" "Dude. This is so fucked up." "Whatever little man." Corky took a flashlight out of his MC jacket and we went back into the building we ran wild in so many years ago. Corky rang every apartment bell until somebody buzzed us in. A few minutes later we were back in the nether regions of the basement. "Push me Izzy." "Why?" "Cause its time we went back to the speakeasy." I pushed. And then Corky was gone. Vanished into thin air. I screamed his name. "Corky?!?!?" "You gotta check this shit out!!!!" "Where are you?!?!?!" And then just like that Corky was back. "It's a fucking hidden door!" "Dude. You're young again." Corky's big arm gave a yank and then we were back in the speakeasy. It was just the way we left it in 1985. "Say, 'wake me up before you go-go.'" "What?" And then Corky's big fist punched me in the face and I remembered no more. Eventually I came to. "Daddy. Wake up. You said we'd go to watch the ball drop at Times Square." "Yes, honey. You promised the kids." "Michelle! Is that you?" "Who else would it be?" "Daddy. Is it really a new millennium?" "Yes honey," Michelle said soothing the little girl's hair that was the same color as mind. "Today is the last day of the 20th century." I reached in my pocket and found a handful of uncut diamonds. I hadn't seen Michelle since she caught me in bed senior year with her best friend Carmella and told me she'd never speak to me again. I had missed her ever since. I looked around surveying the scene. I appeared to be in a swanky penthouse apartment. I found a mirror and took a reluctant peak from between two fingers. It appeared I was 33 again. Hmmm. "I don't believe this shit, Michelle." "Yeah, I know. How crazy is the end of the Twentieth Century?" The doorbell rang. Michelle kissed me. A voice I had last heard 27 years ahead said, "Who's ready to party like it's 1999?" I turned my head to see a not so gentle giant dressed to the nines in tux and tails. "Corky?!?!?!" "You were maybe expecting BettyJo Lemongello?" I grabbed Michelle by the hand and began pulling her towards a big bedroom I spied at the end of an even bigger marble hallway. "Yo! Where you going bro? It's New Year's Eve." "I just remembered. I haven't had my pipes cleaned since 2011."
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